Wednesday, May 25, 2011

Gotta stop wasting it

Sometimes I think that my life is taking forever to take off. 

When I was about to graduate 8th grade I remember being so excited that I was finally going to start high school, but then I also remember that excitement being dampened with the thought of having to go to school for another 4 years. 

Then my high school days absolutely flew by.  It makes me sad to remember how I wasted them.  My only thoughts were about boys, which girls to hate or talk about, and how much I felt like I needed to rebel against my parents.  Finally, my senior year, I started to figure it out.  I found a boyfriend who was amazing, I started focusing on God, and I started to understand a little more that my parents weren't actually out to get me.  So, high school ended.  And then I got excited because the biggest adventure of my life was about to begin: college.

Now, here I am, and my freshman year of college is already over.  I have only 3 years to go... and most of my first year was wasted on trying to get over and past a bad relationship, and finding myself tripping over myself in efforts to fill in the hole that was left from that relationship.  I wasted so much time trying to find that trust and closeness, to feel loved again that I ended up getting hurt and used over and over.  

Rather than feeling more grown up, I end up feeling more lost and lonely and just plain young.  I can't seem to wrap my head around how I am suppose to do things.  I always seem to pick the wrong friendships, say the wrongs things, trust the wrong person.  It gets old, let me tell you.  

I want to get out and experience life.  I know there is so much out there to do.  But I keep losing my focus on the little things that don't matter or that I'm just not ready for yet.  

Every time I meet a guy that I like, it seems like I throw myself into the thought of having someone.  I think that is my problem with everything, with boys, friends, hobbies, whatever.  I keep refusing to let God be that Someone for me.  There is someone who likes me...  I think I like him too, but I'm not totally sure.  To be honest, I think I just really don't want to be in a relationship.  It is just another added weight because now if I choose to, I can say no, and then I'm gonna feel like crap.  GAHHHH.

I just want to be single for awhile. I want to live. I want to develop friendships.  I have been too much of a loner.... but then, I say that now... I'll probably end up changing my mind...  But I have 2 months of summer left to figure this stuff out. To figure out what I really want.  I need to find my focus.  I'm so sick of wasting my life away.  I need to do things that are worth something.


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