Saturday, April 14, 2012

I guess now is better than later

         At some point in our lives we must be awakened to what is real.  Guess that's happening right now. I've made stupid mistakes.  I know I'm not the only one, but it seems as if I have the most to learn.  So here I am, waiting to get spat in the face, punched in the stomach, kicked to the ground and whatever else it takes for me to be molded into a better person. I have hurt a lot of people I love because I haven't been able to recognize what my words and actions actually do to them.  I've always prided myself on how witty I am and how fast I can make people laugh, but that's wrong.  Why?  Because I never stopped to see what after effect it had.
        I can sit and make excuses if I wanted to, but that never does anyone any good. I tried to defend myself, but what's the point? I did what I did and someone got hurt.  I am embarrassed.  So embarrassed because I didn't even know.   And I hate so much that I don't even know what she means when she says that I've done this and that.  I don't remember doing any of it. Not once.  I get accused of not being able to listen to what she is saying, but the truth is, I am in shock.  I can't believe she felt like that.  I had not clue. Not one.  But I've been down this road before. With someone else... who told me the same thing.  So I have to believe it.  It's reoccurring, which means I need to change.

       I don't know how I am going to change, or what I am going to change, but I am done being that person.  I don't know how I am suppose to know what to change, but I guess that's where God comes in.  Who am I going to be when the change is complete?  Is it ever complete? Or is it an ongoing process till we come to an end?  

      Whatever it is, I would like to be someone that doesn't hurt everyone that I love.  I want to be someone that people want to be around.  I don't want to have to try to make people like me and want to spend time with me.  I want to be that someone automatically without effort.  

      I am in a huge hole of self hate.  So, when I am done with this phase... I'll move onto the next one. But I don't know what that is, or when it is.  So let me stay here for a while... and don't ask.

1 comment:

  1. Dad and I are praying.

    God has to sand away the imperfections in our life before we become a finished product. Part of becoming the finished product is understanding that it is a lifelong process.

    Don't let Satan take advantage of the process by causing you to wallow in self-criticism. Look at this as a process of preparation for future ministry. God is just sanding away the rough edges. It's not the first time and it certainly won't be the last time.

    We love you and believe in you and more importantly God believes in you.