Sunday, November 4, 2012

A Love Letter....

"Why are you still looking for love?  Why are you still searching as if I'm not enough?"

       Why am I still searching?  Why can't I see and know that You, God, are all I need and will ever need? You have given me everything I need and more.  You've given Your Son, Your creation, and Your time and love to me, but I keep choosing worldy, shallow love over all of Your majestic glory!  Who do I think I am?  I cry over rejection by someone that doesn't give two cents about me and I cry to You to help him see me…  And now I realized that I've been doing this to You.  You are worth more than all the guys in the world.  You are priceless and I've treated You as if You are worth two cents.

       I feel so cheap being ignored when all I want is to be noticed by the one that I care about.  And I feel even worse when he tells me he cares and even loves me, but then acts as if I don't exist.  What a parallel that my love life is to the relationship I have, or rather don't have, with You.  In conversation, I boldly claim to be a Christian and say that I love You, but then I ignore you and don't talk to You.  When I have free time I pick other things like sleep, music, or whatever comes up, over spending time with You, just as he did….  I would be so shocked…  How can he tell me that he really likes me and even loves me, but then doesn't even put aside 10 minutes to talk to me?  When he needed me, he would text me and tell me to come over, so I did because I cared, maybe even loved him.  I wanted to give him everything.  All of me.  I wanted him to know me.  But after I would go over for a little while, he would leave and not talk to me as if none of what happened, happened.  As if we weren't closer… as if he wasn't affected by any of it.  How can anyone do that??  Oh wait…. I did that.  I'm doing that.  To You, God. I've used you as he used me.  I call out to You when I need You or need something from You, and because You love me, You come and reach out, You show me mercy, but then after, I go on with my life and ignore you after my problem is fixed.  

       I've been reading Crazy Love by Francis Chan.  This book is life changing… if I let it. I've realized that I've gotten really good at being indifferent.  But I can feel my heart getting penetrated.  It took a heart break for God to get into the crack to split my life wide open.  In the book, there is a story about Grandma Clara and how she "acted toward God the way we act toward people we're madly in love with."  My struggle is being loved.  All my life I've searched and fallen over and over again because I put my trust and heart into someone I thought loved me the way I needed and now all I see is that God, Creator of the universe, is the only one capable of completely embracing my heart, every broken piece, every crack, with the perfect love that will never fail me. 

There is no earthly lover that can do what God can.  No one that can please me and fulfill me the way He can.  I want to fall in love with God because He is the only one that will not only satisfy my soul, but He will satisfy my heart.  

God, I want to crave Your presence.  I want you to engulf me in flames of a love so passionate that I will want to do anything for You.  I Am, give me the desire to pursue You, just as You have pursued me.  You are beautiful and worth everything that I have, and everything that I am and will ever be.

1 comment:

  1. I am speechless. Your vulnerability, transparency, and honesty forced me to be vulnerable, transparent, and honest with myself. I have so much respect for you for pouring your heart out. Much love. So sorry for the heartbreaks :( Skype ASAP :) Love you sis!!