It's unbelievable how much you can miss a person... When they are in your life long enough, they become integrated and have meaning in it. They develop a special nook, or spot, right in your heart. And then, for one reason or another, something happens that takes them away from you, or you from them, it begins. The ache builds up. It is like a deep throbbing in that one place where you know they should be, but their presence is absent.
Whether it is someone in your family like a sister, or the one person you fell in love with, when they aren't there any longer, it hurts like nothing else. Maybe hurt is the wrong word. Hurt is at the surface. You can feel it, describe it. Maybe what I am feeling is much deeper. More like a slow steady flow of loss.
I don't know how to tell you in the right words, how exactly it feels. When I see the pictures... of times that can no longer be, I will admit, tears rush to my eyes faster than they have ever before. I can remember us talking about everything. Actually spending time together. Laughing, sometimes even crying. Together. Now, everything has changed. I have. You have. The world has.
Even right now. At this very moment, I am struggling not to let my eyes fill up. I keep choking them back. Why? Because I am too strong to cry. You won't know if I did, and if you did know, what would you do? Would it change anything? I doubt it. Only God can change anyone. Nothing I do will change you. Even though I want so desperately for it to be so.
Because I would make you better than what you were before. When you were still you, you were so awesome. You made people laugh and smile. You made me laugh so hard I cried. Millions of times. My lips are shuddering, half holding back a smile, half trying not to cry. I KNOW that God has something big planned for you. And I pray. So. Hard. That you realize this sooner than later. Before it gets too hard to turn back.
Realize that I love you. That I am here for you when no one else is. That I NEED YOU. Even though you think I don't. Maybe you really do think I hate you. That you are stupid. It couldn't be further from the truth. I want nothing more than to wrap you in my arms and tell you that you are great and that YOU have your own personal spot in my heart. Not anyone else.
I want to share everything with you. But I know that can't be. You aren't ready. I'm not either. Maybe this will never get better. If this is so, I pray that the empty chamber in my heart, that you once laid so comfortably, might someday close up and once and for all stop the unwelcome throbbing.
But for right now, it's ok. Because it just reminds me of you. Of the past. Of all the beauty and indescribable joy that past between us. No, it isn't easy to sleep at night. Not when I feel like this. When I feel like I am missing a part of me. I can never go to sleep at night and rest peacefully when I have such an incredible feeling of loss that over takes me everytime I close my eyes. But I do my best to turn the sorrowful tears into reminiscent tears of the love that we were once, able to show, to share.
I will be fine. I always am. But I want most is that YOU be ok. To be able to get past everything.
I love you both. <3