Have you ever had that feeling of just not knowing anymore? That everything you say doesn't even matter anymore? Or everything you think is just added confusion, like you should just quit thinking because it won't do any good? And what you do is completely not you, and you feel like you are just floating outside your body and the only thing that is keeping you from just disappearing are the heavy feelings of chains wrapped around every living particle of you?
I am at that point. The point of not return, it feels like. I have paths all around me, but I am stuck in a pit of quicksand ready to devour me right in the center where I can reach none of the paths. I don't know where I am, what to do, what to look for.... All I know is that I am seriously lost. And no one is near to guide me.
I know God is waiting for me, but I am blind to the steps to get to His outreaching hands. All of my selfish ambitions are tearing my insides up, grasping at all that holds me together. There is a heaviness inside me that is so deep that I literally feel myself sinking into the ground. My whole body is bearing the weight of so much that all I can feel to do is hunch my shoulders and try to keep standing.
What am I suppose to do?? It's all I want to know. I just want to be free of it. Of the darkness that I know is lurking inside my soul. Someone told me recently that they felt as if I was hiding something within me that I didn't want anyone to know about.... I don't know what that is... or even what he meant. But I feel as if he spoke truth. What is it that people see? Who am I? Who am I suppose to be? Who even knows anymore.... I certainly don't. Do I even want to know.... probably not. I feel as if this is never going to go away. I'm stuck.... And I have no way of getting out.